Danny Drinkwater believes his five-year Chelsea nightmare left him in danger of falling into depression and has expressed anger at the direction of his career.
Drinkwater, 32, joined Chelsea in a £35 million move from Leicester City the year after winning an unexpected Premier League title at the King Power Stadium.
But the midfielder, now a free agent after his contract expired this summer, only made 23 appearances for the club and believes he wasted some of the best years of his career. The period left him seeking support from therapy.
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“I was [suffering with mental health issues in 2019],” Drinkwater told Sky Sports. “My nan and grandad passed, dad got diagnosed with Leukaemia, I lost my dog and was drink driving, which is just not me. I made a big mistake. I was also fighting for my son, which was going on constantly and takes its toll.
“I think when someone has too much to juggle, it can hit you. And it did hit me. And I was like, ‘wow, is this what it’s come to?’ And I was lost.
“When football is going well, everything else seems easier to deal with, but when it isn’t going so well, everything seems so heavy. I definitely think that’s the lowest I’d been.
“I didn’t think I was depressed but I saw the sports psychologist and, if I hadn’t, I definitely think it could’ve gone that way because I was just fighting and fighting, and it wasn’t helping anybody.
“‘Living the life’ lasts about two weeks. You figure out you’re not involved in games, only training, so I could go out with the lads, I’m single, it’s great, I can do all this. I was loving it, but in the background, there’s always things that burn away.
“If you’re not open enough to speak to the right people, it chews away at you. I didn’t learn that until further down the line. I was always like, ‘I’m a big strong bloke, I can deal with this’.”
Drinkwater spent the last three seasons of his Chelsea contract on loan, moving from Burnley to Aston Villa, and then Turkish club Kasimpasa and Reading in the Sky Bet Championship.
“I’m angry because of how it’s gone and how I was treated,” he said. “I’m not bitter about it. You can look back and say ‘what ifs’ and have hindsight, which is obviously huge. I think it was a long time coming.
“It feels like, ‘What if you hadn’t thrown those five years away? If you’d stayed at Leicester, if you didn’t get injured and if the club treated you differently’. They’re all ifs.
“It’s frustrating, 100 per cent. Don’t think I’m still not burning about how it’s gone. I still kick myself for it. But on the other side, am I going to keep kicking myself, because I can’t change it?
“Can I help myself going forward? That’s why I went on loan, why I went to Aston Villa and Burnley on loan, which didn’t work, and going to Turkey at the age of 30. I never thought I’d do that. It’s also the reason I dropped down to the Championship. I’ve been trying to do the right things. As I’ve tried doing them, something’s gone wrong.”
Drinkwater insists he is not ready to retire from his playing career though and says he already has a few offers that are being considered.
